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Animals In Print
The On-Line Newsletter

From 10 March 2009 Issue

God Made Me Do It

Last night, I had a dream. God came to me, and told me to
build a slaughterhouse. I can still feel his words:

"The end of consumption of cow flesh has come before me;
for the earth is filled with violence wrought by those who
slaughter my gentle creatures. Behold, I will destroy the
bovines who inhabit the earth, through you."

I remember asking why I was chosen to do God's work in a
dream, of all places. "I am the notmilkman, not Noah." God
laughed, and said, "Noah had three children, you do too."

I responded, "Yes, God, Noah had three sons. Shem, Ham, and
Japheth. I have three daughters. Sarah, Jen, and Elizabeth."

I bathed in the warmth of God's smile, as he said unto me,
"So similar sounding, these names, and you continue to deny
that your destiny is a part of God's infinite plan?" may have been only a dream, but I can be easily
led through the delirious flight of dreamland. "What would
you have me do, God?"

"Make thee a slaughterhouse of gopher wood; rooms shalt thou
make within, and shalt erect cameras and microphones so all
shalt see their pain and suffering, and hear their cries.
Glass walls shalt stand without. The length of the
slaughterhouse shall be three hundred cubits, the breadth of
it fifty cubits, and the height of it thirty cubits."

"Forgive me, God, but what is a cube-it, and where am I
going to get the money to buy gopher wood and glass?

Before long, I had been given the entire plan which is now
etched in my brain. One Lottery ticket. God said something
about Tuesday's New Jersey lottery MEGA Game payout being $212
million dollars. He gave me no numbers, but I guess the fix
is in. I'm to let the computer pick the numbers. I vowed to
buy my single ticket first thing Sunday morning. God said,
"Many people purchase more than one ticket and then pray to
me for a win. Don't they realize that it's very bad faith to
do so when all it takes is one ticket?"

Before waking up, I can remember questioning God's plan. In
the periphery of my consciousness, I wondered whether Alex
Hershaft would invite me to speak at this year's AR-2009
conference if I owned a slaughterhouse.

In any event, Paul McCartney did say that if
slaughterhouses had glass walls, everybody would
become a vegetarian.

Hey, everybody thought Noah was crazy and his neighbors
avoided him during the construction phase. Imagine what the
animal rights people are going to say about me when my
slaughterhouse becomes operational? They'll shun me like the
plague. Come to think of it, that in itself may be one of
God's miraculous blessings.

In any event, I'll be filing all of the necessary building
permits, and will be breaking ground soon. The actual
slaughter room will contain state-of-the-art lighting and a
sophisticated electronic sound stage. A three camera shoot
will capture arterial blood sprays. Post production will
allow me to edit screens with the horrors of death. Bulging
eyes. Animals choking on their own blood. Worms and
parasites living within intestines. I don't imagine that
anybody will be immune to the real horror of compassionate
slaughter. All brought to you live on streaming video. Each
night, 8PM, Eastern Daylight time. We'll kill the children
first. Veal calves. Lambs. Baby horses. Somewhere around 11
PM we'll slaughter the giant beasts. The Holsteins. Some
will simultaneously give birth at the moment of death for
our West Coast audience. We'll be auctioning off pocketbook
udders on E-bay.

Every animal to be slaughtered will have a name. Perhaps
children will play with them before the moment arrives for
each of their turns to die.

God said nothing about a Disney-like tram ride, but this
could become quite the attraction. I'll invite schools to
visit, so that indelible images of death can be witnessed by
first and second graders. Maybe McCartney will write the
song to the tune of Disneyworld's "It's a Small World After

"Watch the butcher slice their throats, Tummy and
intestines, digested oats, Kill the chickens, lambs and
goats, It's a small world after all..."

Streaming video on the world-wide web. Major magazines.
Newspaper stories. Perhaps a documentary, or pay-per-view
extravaganza. Celebrity slaughter? Let's see. At $39.95,
with 1.8 million homes buying in...I'll get Tyson and
Monica, and what's her name...that woman who sued Clinton.
Oh, and Tanya Harding too.

Wonder how long it will take before everybody with
Internet access becomes a vegetarian?

One thing is for certain. Per capita meat and chicken
consumption continues to soar, as confirmation that
America's animal rights movement has become
unproductive in its impotence.

This can work, and only a few hundred animals need be
sacrificed to save tens of billions.

Robert Cohen . 

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Please send comments and submittals to the Editor: Linda Beane [email protected]

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