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Animals In Print
The On-Line Newsletter

From 7 May 2001 Issue:

Robert Cohen Returns From Trip Abroad

Robert has one of my favorite AR newsletters. I can hardly wait to read each one. I so enjoyed this particular email I had to share it with all of you. I encourage you to share this with all your AR friends and others. If you really want to become more informed and empowered subscribe to Roberts' newsletter.,

IF I WERE A TERRORIST...(deedle daidle dum) by Robert Cohen

One month ago, Ingrid Newkirk, founder of the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, commented something to the effect that she would welcome an outbreak of hoof and mouth/foot and mouth disease in America.

I regretted reading her statement. After all, I was about to visit England, and expected that such a comment might focus attention upon my lectures and might also generate interest among members of the intelligence community. I did not look forward to a visit from double-0-seven.

While touring Britain, I did make mental note of one familiar face while riding the underground as I made my way from district to district. On the train to Bath, the face wore short hair and at my lecture in Croyden, a pony tail. I wondered whether he detested the touristy parts of Windsor Castle and Westminister as much as I did. I observed the same clean shaven man in Harrods, and that mustached gent in Leicester square. His taste in clothes ranged from white collar to blue. An identifying white paint mark on the outside rear of his left boot made for easy identification. Talk about blowing one's cover. Having no secrets to hide, and planning no covert actions, I did not worry...much. In time, he became a family joke.

Before coming home, I was tempted to buy a Cuban cigar for my dad as a gift, but imagined that USDA or customs agents would go through my baggage with their proverbial fine tooth combs.

When I landed at New York's JFK airport on Sunday evening, the lines were short, and I was the last one in line. (My luggage is always the last to come off the airplane. Perhaps the baggage handlers despise the NOTMILK stickers.) Everybody before me went through quickly. I warned my children, "They're saving the best for last." When my turn came, the uniformed customs official asked, "Any fruits, vegetables, or meat?" I shook my head. He waved me through. "I'll never be paranoid again," I whispered to my kids.

On Monday morning, I was left a phone message by Irena Tutko, an investigator from the United States Department of Agriculture (USDA). I was being investigated for possible acts of agricultural terrorism. I was told that somebody had lodged a complaint against me, claiming that I was going to bring cattle diseases back from England and spread them from sea to shining sea. God bless America.

"You guys really blew it," I teased. "Where were you last night when I came back into the United States?"

"We thought that you were retuning on Monday," she responded.

"Not such great intelligence. Your $40 million dollar budget should be increased to $400 million," I said.

I told Ms. Tutko that I do not believe in hurting animals. I would never do such a thing. Use biological or chemical weapons and you are attacking my children. If you are such a person, do not let me know about it. You will be my enemy. There are better ways to win battles. Truth will win. By using chemical and biological weapons, we become worse than our adversaries.

Now that I am aware of USDA's surveillance, I would like to share this with all of my "fans."

If I was a terrorist, my autumn vacation plans would have already been made. How could a terrorist visit thousands of farms and infect millions of cattle in one day? Here's how:


If I had a vial of hoof/foot and mouth disease virus, where and when would be my best opportunity to expose all of America's dairy and meat producers to this most dreaded plague?

The World Dairy Exposition begins on October 3 and runs through October 7 in Madison, Wisconsin. There will be 140,000 boots (70,000 dairy and meat producing visitors) and 8,000 hooves (2,000 of America's finest cattle) to infect.

One spray nozzle, and the disease will travel to farms in every one of America's states. One strategically placed squirt, and cloned animals and genetically engineered monstrosities would be infected. They would all return the disease to the laboratories and ranches.

Of course, I'm not planning to do this. That is not my style.

The way I see it, USDA has an interesting challenge.

At one time, their agenda was to protect American consumers. Today, it's to protect meat and milk manufacturers. One day, truth will return to America. First, there will be a revolution. A revolution of truth and justice. The Internet is our battleground.

Should you wish to help USDA by reporting any acts of terrorism, please alert Irena Tutko by calling her New York office: 212-264-3521.

Irena's address: O.I.G., 26 Federal Plaza, Room 1409, New York, NY 10278

With apologies to Jerry Bock & Sheldon Harnick
(Lyricists of Fiddler on the Roof)


If I were a terrorist
Daidle deedle daidle deedle daidle dum
All day long I'd biddy biddy bum
I'd teach the world that death and pain are dumb.

I wouldn't have to work hard
Daidle deedle daidle deedle daidle dum
If life was a biddy biddy bitch
And I had the terrorist's itch

I'd build a big tall slaughterhouse
With a well lit stage
Right in the middle of my town
With thick glass walls and real wooden floors below

There could be one long ramp just going up
With an endless line of cows and pigs and sheep,
And I'd give the world some pictures so they'd
never get to sleep.

I'd fill my yard with chicks
And turkeys and geese and ducks
For the town to see and hear
quawking just as noisily as they can

And each loud quack and cluck
And gobble and honk
Will land like a trumpet on the ear
As I slashed their arteries
you would hear their sounds of fear.

If I were a terrorist
Daidle deedle daidle deedle daidle dum
All day long I'd biddy biddy bum
This year I'd kill ten billion gentle souls.

I wouldn't have to work hard
Daidle deedle daidle deedle daidle dum
If I was a terroristic threat,
I'd kill your dinner, then I'd kill your pet.

If I were a terrorist
Daidle deedle daidle deedle daidle dum
All day long I'd biddy biddy bum
If I were an evil kind of man

I wouldn't have to work hard
Daidle deedel daidle deedle daidle dum
If I wanted a biddy biddy coat
I'd simply slash a knife in a lamb's throat

If I were a terrorist
Daidle deedle daidle deedle daidle dum
Lord who made the lion and the lamb
Imagine killing piggies to eat spam

If I were a terrorist
Daidle deedle daidle deedle daidle dum
All would know that terror sting of death,
Sip gurgling blood with slaughter's final breath.

Robert Cohen

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