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The Canadian Club Scene
By Ryan Reynolds, HuffingtonPost.com
This month marks the beginning of the annual Canadian Seal Hunt. The seals are hunted for their pelts which can fetch up to 33 dollars each. The mammals are also used to make beauty products and essential oils.
If you ever want to explore the outer edges of terror, go to Northern Canada. It's a vast, frozen world of jeopardy and instability--pitting man against nature in a desperate, hammerlock struggle for survival. This is exactly why Northern Canada is home to the world's most elite hunters. The average Northern Canadian Male is born with an innate connection to nature and a catalog of keen, natural born, hunting techniques. Although not scientifically proven, he also possesses the strength of at least one ordinary man.
Besides a handful of brave men and women, the North is home to a multitude of lethal, and decidedly carnivorous polar bears, grizzlies, wolves and big cats. All of which are formidable, but absolutely nothing... NOTHING on this great, green, spinning shit-nugget is more malevolent and deeply underestimated than one particular creature in the region: Yes, the blood thirsty, baby seal.
Confronting these menacing assassins of the ice is no small feat. In the "kill or be killed" world of Seal Clubbing, there are but only a few ways to overpower such wicked beasts. The best and most preferable way is of course, napalm. Currently, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police force refuses to sanction this activity based on scientific research that suggests it's "insane." So for now methods must remain traditional. And the Royal Canadian Mounted Police must remain, funless.
The second best way to club a baby seal is to, well, use a club or "baton." This technique is seemingly simple to the dis-educated, but there are in fact subtleties involved. A kind of inexplicable nuance handed down from generation to generation. Not everybody can do it. Here's how it works: approach the creature from the front, maintaining plenty of eye contact. Raise the baton about shoulder height and strike the mammal hard across the face or head (or as hard as you and your son or daughter are able). Now watch closely, to ensure all the innocence has exited the carcass. (And watch your children grow up before your very eyes!) Although it's not recommended for beginners, you may also lure the creature to your baton by whistling, smiling or juggling fresh fish. An alternative - and markedly slower method - includes snuggling with the offending seal until it dies of old age.
Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, I think we can all agree that unspeakable suffering has occurred at the hands (flippers) of these sinister white snow devils. Most recently - in fact just now - they've been coined, "the white-fanged dispensers of death." Little is known of their feeding habits, although it's widely speculated among seal clubbing spokespeople that human toddler brains are the preferred source of nutrition. And cod. As a counter measure, once a year Canadian hunters will selflessly enter an arena of unbridled peril. Broader dangers of the seal hunt include: accidentally clubbing one's own shin, chapped lips, having to get up early, thirstiness, and the all too common: red snowball fight.
It's important to note that an enormous amount of the nation's troops are stationed overseas. So what's to stop a caravan of mercenary infant seals from slogging upon Washington to systematically disable the Capitol's infrastructure? And who'll stop this mincing, white cloud of bloodlust from moving West, to snack upon the ankles and toes of innocent Californians as they socklessly wander their gardens in fluorescent Crocs? That's right, I'm talkin' to me.
In the elite world of professional seal clubbing it's easy to rush to judgment without considering the facts. Animal rights activists and a vast army of unwashed liberal hippies feel compelled to voice their single-sided disapproval. But have they ever risked "it all" for something they believe in? Have they ever heard the call to defend decency and civility? Most important, I'm willing to bet these sanctimonious finger waggers have never experienced the sublime rapture of a mouth watering popsicle, made from frozen seal tears. So before you start tossing around weighty words like, "cruel" and "pointless" and "unthinkable," you may want to try one of those popsicles made from frozen seal tears because they're really really delicious. More delicious than the ones made from panda tears or dolphin tears or other things that cry all the time.
See images of the Canadian Seal Hunt on our image gallery.
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