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Pining for Palin

August 2012

I never thought I’d be pining for the day when Sarah Palin was tapped as John McCain’s running mate Paul Ryan makes Sarah Palin look almost presidential. Both are extremist Tea Partyers, but Palin is more of a Tea Party-lite, compared to Ryan who must chug Morning Thunder by the gallon, straight from the keg.

Although Sarah Palin may have fit the nickname, “Caribou Barbie,” Paul Ryan is certainly no “Caribou Ken.” With his prominent widow’s peak he looks more like an evil, forty-two year-old version of Eddie Munster. While Sarah Palin appeared a bit vacant at times (both on the podium and posing with a dead animal’s head in her lap), Paul Ryan looks totally vacuous—vampire-ish even—squatting beside a freshly-killed deer or turkey. But a vampire only drinks a little blood and moves on, whereas Ryan revels in morbidity, personally dismembering the bodies of his victims. In Ryan’s own words, “I butcher my own deer, grind the meat, stuff it in casings and then smoke it.”

Sarah Palin probably hunts mainly for attention and photo ops, yet Paul Ryan actually enjoys hanging around in a tree stand (upside down like a bat, rumor has it) until an unsuspecting deer walks by. When the peace-loving animal gets within range, it’s time for Ryan to play his most coveted role—that of Vlad the Impaler—and run the innocent being through with an arrow.

Paul Ryan’s idol, Ayn Rand, espoused the “Virtue of Selfishness” and called altruism “evil” (talk about spin doctors). Well, you don’t get any more selfish and malevolent than bow-hunting. Over half of all animals shot with arrows are crippled rather than killed outright and escape with an arrow shaft painfully imbedded in them. As far as “hobbies” go, you’d be hard-pressed to find a crueler one—except maybe trapping.

If selfishness is really a virtue, then a bow-hunter deserves to be Vice President, and this must seem the most virtuous of nations.


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