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Newsletter - Animal Writes sm
4 October 2000 Issue

Will There Be A New Olympian Milk Mustache Ad?
From Robert Cohen - i4crob@idt.net, http://www.notmilk.com

Does anybody doubt that Americans will be coming back from Australia with sour cream and vanilla ice cream (the dairy industry milkstache formula) applied to their upper lips?

The premier candidate for a milkstache will be Marion Jones, the sprinter/long jumper who continues to strike Olympic Gold. She has already won two Olympic gold medals, and has three more in her sights.

Problem is, Marion's name has been tainted by her husband's association with steroid hormones. American shot putter CJ Hunter is married to Marion. This man could substitute for the entire offensive line of the Green Bay Packers - that's how big he is. Unfortunately, he is not competing in this summer's Olympics because his enormous bulk was artificially constructed with the help of a banned steroid hormone, nandrolone.

That won't stop the dairy industry from rewarding Jones. Dairy marketing geniuses consider drug use to be an asset, having previously painted a milk mustache on home run champ, Mark McGwire. History repeats itself. Another shot putter (world-record holder Randy Barnes) will never again compete, having been barred for life for having used the same drug as McGwire (androstenodione).

ATHLETES TAKE IGF-I

Those who take insulin-like growth factor (IGF-I) will not be caught at this summer's Olympics. Athletes: Beware! The technology exists to test fat molecules and reveal those who have taken the powerful genetically engineered growth hormone. One day, there may not be an Olympics. It is a not-so closely guarded secret that weight lifters, sprinters, swimmers, and athletes from all nations and events are using the protein hormone, IGF-I. They use it in the belief that it cannot be detected. They will certainly all one day be in for a surprise. Two Cornell University scientists have received a patent for a test that detects subtle changes in fat molecules after IGF-I treatment.

ATHLETES SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS

U.S. shot putter C.J. Hunter, better known as "that big guy" who is married to Marion Jones, decided to skip this year's Summer Olympics because of a knee injury. IOC officials say he tested positive for nandrolone during the summer. C.J. blames a dietary supplement for the positive test.

Andris Reinholds, a rower from Latvia also tested positive for nandrolone, a banned steroid hormone. He was sent home from the Olympics on Saturday. Reinholds blames his positive test on a Chinese herbal medicine.

German long distance runner Dieter Baumann, a German runner, won a gold medal in the 5,000 meters at Barcelona. He recently was banned from this year's Olympics after testing positive for nandrolone. Dieter claims that his toothpaste was spiked.

Robin Lyons, a Canadian hammer-thrower, also tested positive for nandrolone. He blamed a diet supplement. Indeed.

Runner Simon Combo of Kenya, cyclist Neil Campbell of Britain, long jumper Iva Prandzheva of Bulgaria, sprinter Linford Christie of Britain, runners Doug Walker and Mark Richardson of Britain, sprinter Merlene Ottey of Jamaica, all tested positive for nandrolone.

CAN YOU DIG IT?

That's the favorite quotable from new Olympic heroine, Marion Jones, who (rumor has it) will soon be the newest member of a long list of dairy industry milkstache wearers.

Millions of dollars in endorsements await our newest athletic darling, and one hopes that Marion does not share the same fate as yesteryear's Olympic hero, Florence Griffith Joyner (Flo Jo).

Flo Jo wore a milk mustache and died with 250 cc of undigested food in her stomach containing flecks of cheese. She ate her last pizza at 3PM and died at 6AM, 15 hours later. Her body organs were acutely congested with mucous and Flo Jo could not breathe. GOT ASTHMA? Asthma rates continue to soar in the African American community and Marion Jones' milkstache ad will betray the children who see her as a hero.

Is it too late to ask Marion not to do it? The $25,000 paid by the National Fluid Milk Processors for this ad will be a drop in the bucket compared to the millions of dollars in endorsement fees awaiting her.

Contact Marion's agent: Charles Wells of Vector Sports Management:
817-337-4494 (extension 13). vectorsm@aol.com

Go on to Shocking Details of Alien Civilization! by Tim Robinson
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