Does anybody doubt that Americans will be coming back
from Australia with sour cream and vanilla ice cream (the dairy industry
milkstache formula) applied to their upper lips?
The premier candidate for a milkstache will be Marion
Jones, the sprinter/long jumper who continues to strike Olympic Gold.
She has already won two Olympic gold medals, and has three more in her
Problem is, Marion's name has been tainted by her
husband's association with steroid hormones. American shot putter CJ
Hunter is married to Marion. This man could substitute for the entire
offensive line of the Green Bay Packers - that's how big he is.
Unfortunately, he is not competing in this summer's Olympics because his
enormous bulk was artificially constructed with the help of a banned
steroid hormone, nandrolone.
That won't stop the dairy industry from rewarding Jones.
Dairy marketing geniuses consider drug use to be an asset, having
previously painted a milk mustache on home run champ, Mark McGwire.
History repeats itself. Another shot putter (world-record holder Randy
Barnes) will never again compete, having been barred for life for having
used the same drug as McGwire (androstenodione).
ATHLETES TAKE IGF-I
Those who take insulin-like growth factor (IGF-I) will not be caught at
this summer's Olympics. Athletes: Beware! The technology exists to test
fat molecules and reveal those who have taken the powerful genetically
engineered growth hormone. One day, there may not be an Olympics. It is
a not-so closely guarded secret that weight lifters, sprinters,
swimmers, and athletes from all nations and events are using the protein
hormone, IGF-I. They use it in the belief that it cannot be detected.
They will certainly all one day be in for a surprise. Two Cornell
University scientists have received a patent for a test that detects
subtle changes in fat molecules after IGF-I treatment.
ATHLETES SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS
U.S. shot putter C.J. Hunter, better known as "that big guy" who is
married to Marion Jones, decided to skip this year's Summer Olympics
because of a knee injury. IOC officials say he tested positive for
nandrolone during the summer. C.J. blames a dietary supplement for the
Andris Reinholds, a rower from Latvia also tested
positive for nandrolone, a banned steroid hormone. He was sent home from
the Olympics on Saturday. Reinholds blames his positive test on a
Chinese herbal medicine.
German long distance runner Dieter Baumann, a German
runner, won a gold medal in the 5,000 meters at Barcelona. He recently
was banned from this year's Olympics after testing positive for
nandrolone. Dieter claims that his toothpaste was spiked.
Robin Lyons, a Canadian hammer-thrower, also tested
positive for nandrolone. He blamed a diet supplement. Indeed.
Runner Simon Combo of Kenya, cyclist Neil Campbell of
Britain, long jumper Iva Prandzheva of Bulgaria, sprinter Linford
Christie of Britain, runners Doug Walker and Mark Richardson of Britain,
sprinter Merlene Ottey of Jamaica, all tested positive for nandrolone.
CAN YOU DIG IT?
That's the favorite quotable from new Olympic heroine, Marion Jones, who
(rumor has it) will soon be the newest member of a long list of dairy
industry milkstache wearers.
Millions of dollars in endorsements await our newest
athletic darling, and one hopes that Marion does not share the same fate
as yesteryear's Olympic hero, Florence Griffith Joyner (Flo Jo).
Flo Jo wore a milk mustache and died with 250 cc of
undigested food in her stomach containing flecks of cheese. She ate her
last pizza at 3PM and died at 6AM, 15 hours later. Her body organs were
acutely congested with mucous and Flo Jo could not breathe. GOT ASTHMA?
Asthma rates continue to soar in the African American community and
Marion Jones' milkstache ad will betray the children who see her as a
Is it too late to ask Marion not to do it? The $25,000
paid by the National Fluid Milk Processors for this ad will be a drop in
the bucket compared to the millions of dollars in endorsement fees
Contact Marion's agent: Charles Wells of Vector Sports
817-337-4494 (extension 13). firstname.lastname@example.org
Go on to Shocking
Details of Alien Civilization! by Tim Robinson
Return to 4 October 2000 Issue
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