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Newsletter - Animal Writes sm
10 December 2000 Issue

Thinning Out the Herd:
An Open Letter to the Hunters of America
by Robert Cohen

Dear Hunters,

It's hunting season!

The dead bloodstained animals on your cars bring me joy.

The sounds of gunshots echo from the mountains, and fill me with a sense of serenity.

Soon, you and your family will be dining on your prey.

Got filaria?

There is a very tiny worm that grows in mammalian hearts. Filaria are also known as heartworms. Their larva are microscopic, and your venison flesh may very well contain the seed to you and your child's premature deaths.

The worm resides in the chambers of your heart and loves atrial fibers. You dine, you die. Who will hunt after you are gone?

Recently, there have been tales of a new disease that turns the human brain into a sponge. It's called spongioform encephalitis. The scientific name is Cruetzfeldt-Jacob disease, (CJD) and deer shot by hunters are now testing positive for this debilitating brain disease.

The incubation period of CJD can be up to thirty years. Once you get it, there is no getting rid of it. The deer you shoot today may very well contain the protein particle (PRION) that acts like a ticking time bomb within the multi-layered folds of your cerebral cortex. Some say that you can taste the Prion, just as you swallow. I hear it has a bit of a "gamey" taste.

(NOTE: A recent study in the October, 2000 issue of the Journal of the American Medical Association revealed that 42% of hunters do not have a cerebral cortex. For purposes of this letter, these are probably the illiterate hunters. Do not post this letter to a tree. Read it to a hunter instead).

Lime disease and deer tics are a walk in the park compared to "mad-deer disease." I'm not mad about Bambi's revenge. How good will that venison taste when you and your family know that the next bite might be deadly?

Once all the hunters are gone, who will hunt the deer?

Every time I hear a gun shoot, or see one of you walk into the woods wearing camouflage, I say a prayer for the deer, who is the hero of the moment. The proud antlered buck will give his life, so that your entire family might die. His flesh contains pain and suffering for you, so eat up! You and your children will no longer hunt, and my children will be free of hunters...for good!

Is there anything that I might do to help extend the deer hunting season? Could we get federal agencies to allow you to kill an unlimited amount of deer? Imagine, eating venison every night. Wouldn't that be great? In the short run, there may be a thinning of the deer herd. In the long run, it's the thinning of the hunter's herd that I want to promote!

Good hunting, and great eating!

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