Animal Writes
9 May 2001 Issue
Trading Places

by Cara Keighron
from Maynard S. Clark - [email protected] 

Here's what it would sound like if meat-eaters were in the minority.

"Oh, so you're a meat-eater. Wow. I have a sister that eats meat, and she's kind of unhealthy, but I guess if you're really careful about what you eat, and take fiber pills, you'll be all right. I know a couple of meat-eaters, actually. I don't mind y'all as long as you don't go preachin' to me about what to do. I mean, if the Lord didn't intend us to eat plants, why'd he make 'em so tasty, right?"

"You eat meat? I did that for a while back in my teens. A lot of celebrities ate meat, and were obviously just doing it for attention, and a lot of my friends thought it was really cool. I guess I just kind of followed the crowd."

"You know, I actually used to eat meat when I was about your age. I was the typical starry-eyed idealist, right? But, it's part of growing up to be a little bit more practical. I realized I couldn't eat all the animals in the world, and I guess I just kind of grew out of that phase."

"It's funny, I never would have guessed you were one of those meat eaters. I mean, not to put too fine a point on it, you're kind of, um, small boned. I don't mean you're thin, not by any stretch of the imagination. I like a girl with some skin on her bones. But be honest. Don't you ever cheat a little bit, and have a vegetable when no one's looking?"

"Man, here we go. I bet you think you have all the answers, but I tell you what, my uncle had a vegetable farm, and he never did nothin' wrong to that broccoli. He gave all those plants names, and he genuinely loved them."

"Uh-oh, I bet you don't want to hear this, but I gather. Yes I do. It's a proud tradition. And just where do you think the human race would be if no one gathered? Why, some of these plants would just take over. I'm thinning them out so they can be strong and healthy instead of competing for water and sunshine."

"What do you think of those freaks who take animals and lock them up in laboratories? Me, I think that's really irresponsible, especially if you try and say that we have to go ahead and test drugs on them? I don't want no rat medicine. I want people medicine."

"Well, I guess we have to agree to disagree here. Wouldn't the world be a funny place if we were all alike?"

Go on to Gold Fish at a Frat Party
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