Copyright Jim Willis 2001
... You spend eleven months of the year preaching an
appreciation and understanding of canine behavior and the nature of the
dog, then you stick fake reindeer antlers on the dog and photograph him
for your Christmas Card.
... People are still talking about your spay-neuter
holiday greeting from last year, "Deck the Halls with Balls of Collies."
... Not only do family and friends think you go
overboard with doggie holiday decorations, they've never seen a nativity
scene where the holy family is depicted by Boxers.
... You have a mental list of people you'd like to spay
... You stopped at a house with a "Free Puppies" sign in
the yard to have an Educational "Chat," . . .and your kids had to post
... Running out of paper towels is a household crisis.
... You not only know all the characteristics of a good
"stool," ... you discuss them at dinner.
... Your checks have messages on them like "Subtract Two
Testicles For Every Four Feet."
... You consider "The Culture Clash" your bible and
believe the chairman of Disney Corp. is the antichrist. [especially if
your breed is Dalmatians]
... You have a bumper sticker that reads "My Basset
Hound Is Smarter Than Your Graduate Student."
... You can compare and contrast the finer elements of
different kitty litter brands the way some people talk about wine.
... You secretly wonder about such things as how animals
can manage without wiping.
... You pray they will someday manufacture Teflon
... You have phone calls forwarded to PetsMart.
... When your animal projectile vomits, you compare the
speed and trajectory with previous incidents, and if the statistics fall
short, you worry if the animal is okay.
... You absentmindedly pat people on the head or scratch
them behind their ears.
... Given the choice of having your teeth cleaned or
their teeth cleaned, they get their teeth cleaned.
... You not only allow pets on the couch, guests have to
sit on the floor because the dog has "territorial issues."
... Your spouse missed the final game of the World
Series because the cat wanted to watch his favorite video, "Birds of
... Anytime the animal appears lethargic, you go on-line
and investigate vetmed websites, pose questions to your address book and
on e-lists, and by the time you digest all the information and field the
correspondence, the animal has torn out the window screens, masticated a
couch cushion and left something disgusting in your favorite pair of
... You have a special uniform you wear for "flame wars"
on e-lists and know that being told to "get a life" means you have
pushed all the right buttons.
... Your chatroom handle is "Queen of Spayeds."
... You and your vet are on a first name basis and he
genuflects when you enter the waiting room. His daughter at Harvard
refers to you as "Auntie."
... You needed a prescription to recover from "Old
... You've forwarded more warnings about the dangers of
chocolate, onions and mistletoe than the National Center for Disease
Control has issued about anthrax and smallpox.
... You wear white year 'round, not because you are
flaunting a fashion law or belong to a religious sect, but because you
have a Dalmatian, Great Pyrenees, Samoyed or white Persian at home.
... The world would never guess from your "dog or
kittyspeak" posts to e-lists - that in reality you are chairman of the
... Vacuum cleaners in your household don't just die,
they go out with more smoke and noise than the Taliban.
... By the time you investigate different flea control
products, their advantages and potential risks, natural versus chemical
methods, and study the life cycle of the flea, any fleas have died of
... You tell your children to "heel!" in a grocery
... For relaxation, you went mall hopping with your
girlfriends. Your eyes glazed over when you saw a sign in front of a pet
shop, "20% Off All Puppies & Kittens," and you slapped three security
guards before they got you safely contained in the manager's office.
Go on to A Rescue
Animal's Christmas Poem
Return to 19 December 2001 Issue
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