by Robert Cohen -
[email protected]
http://www.notmilk.com
On the first day, God created the Holstein cow and said,
"You shall go to the field with the farmer, and into his
barn, seven days per week, even on the Sabbath. All day long you'll
suffer under the hot sun, and be injected with growth hormones that will
stretch your udder and give you infections. You'll then be injected with
antibiotics. I've decided that you'll never experience the actual act of
lovemaking to reproduce your species. Instead, the dairy farmer will
stick his arm up to his shoulder in your anus while he feels for your
ripe egg, and with his other hand he'll artificially inseminate you by
injecting sperm through a straw through your abdomen. Your children will
be immediately taken from you after birth. You will hear their crying,
and you will cry too, but in a couple of weeks your emotional pain will
pass. Of course, during all of this you'll be giving your milk to
support the farmer. After your time is up, you'll be stuffed onto a
truck with other cows and driven to a slaughterhouse where your neck
will be cut until the blood drains from your body. Then men will baste,
roast, pickle, smoke, saute, grill, and bar-b-cue what is left of you. I
will give you a life span of forty years."
The cow said,
"What did I do to deserve this? That's a very tough life
you want me to live, God. Five years of that udder hell is more than
enough for any creature to endure. Be a mensch and permit me to give
back the other thirty-five years."
And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said,
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at
anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty
years."
The dog said,
"That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and
I'll give back the other ten."
So God agreed.
On the third day God created the monkey. God said,
"Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh.
Let scientists open up your brain and implant electrodes and chemicals.
I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said,
"That's horrifying. Monkey tricks for twenty years?
Caged for experiments? I don't think so. The dog gave you back ten, so
that's what I'll do too, okay?"
And again God agreed.
On the fourth day God created man.
God said,
"Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just
enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said,
"What? Only twenty years? No way, God. Tell you what,
I'll take my twenty, and the thirty-five the cow gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back and the ten the monkey gave back. That makes
seventy-five, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."
So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep,
play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing.
For the next thirty-five years, we slave in the sun to
support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain
our grandchildren.
For the last ten years, we sit in front of the house and
bark at everybody.
Go on to The Olympic
Torch/Tiger Tour Continues
Return to 13 January 2002 Issue
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