Fear of Dying
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Fear of Dying
Comments by Heidi Huse - 14 Dec 2004

I don't fear dying; I fear dying with a wasted life, without doing everything I can to make this world better. And most of the time for every step I take in the right direction, it feels like I'm taking 10 steps in the wrong direction.

I'm still eating dairy and eggs and I fear dying a hypocrite and God looking at me and just shaking his head in utter disappointment. I only work with an area humane society peripherally and I fear dying without doing anything truly meaningful with my life for animals as well as for humans.

Most of the time I don't' "feel like a Christian" (I know that sounds just stupid--what's a Christian supposed to "feel" like?  But does anyone know what I mean?).  So I literally lose sleep over not really being a Christian after all. Then I read that fear is a big sign of unbelief and then I think "that confirms it, I'm not a Christian after all!" And then I fear for the well-being of my animals should anything happen to me. I fear dying alone--not in the existential sense that we all die alone, but dying without having really become a vital part of a community.

I've been a gypsy loner most of my life, so that's a big, big fear. So for me, there's so much that I fear before the actual act of death that death sort of has to take a number.

I truly don't mean to be flippant; I'm quite serious. And as so many regulars on this listserv already know, I fear that nothing is ever going to change in this world, that "we"--humanity--will never transform to a universal lifestyle of compassion, that God has left far too much in our hands.

Frank's last couple of sermons have been very hopeful though; they help. I fear never being able to transcend my faithlessness, and fear is faithlessness--there is NO fear in love...perfect love casts out fear. Man, I'd love to live that!

Heidi

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