CHRISTVILLE
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CHRISTVILLE
A STORY ABOUT RELIGIOUS HYPOCRISY
By Mark Edgemon

There’s a little town, where the people take their religion a bit seriously. They pride themselves, and I mean that literally, as being the most religious folks anywhere and…they may be right.

I would like to say it’s a nice place to visit, but I can’t.

If you’re looking for a church you’ve come to the right place…unless you’re looking for God, then you’ve haven’t.

The first store you come to in Christville is called the “Christian Emporium”. It’s filled with religious merchandise, each tied into God in some way or another.

As you walk through the front door, you’ll see a window display, which includes various items in the store in a theme presentation. This week’s theme is, “The Comfort Of The Lord Livingroom Set”, which features, “The Rest In The Lord Reclining Chair”. The chair is covered in “First and Second Corinthian Leather”, and has a snake-covered footstool with the inscription, “You Can Walk On Serpents And Scorpions”.

As you leave the store, you will see a sign above the door, which reads, “Exodus”.

There’s a diner in the town of Christville called, “The Garden Of Eden Snack Bar”. You can eat there if the religiousity of the joint doesn’t curb your appetite.

Snack cakes are stapled on to an artificial palm tree that is called the “Tree Of Life”, suggesting, if you eat an apple doodle, you will live forever.

If you want some ice cream, you can order a “Rocky Road To Damascus”. If you are thirsty, you can quench your thirst with a “Grape Nehemiah”. For dessert, you can have a slice of “Eve’s Forbidden Sin-a-min Apple Pie”.

If you want something harder, they offer a line of alcohol-free mixed drinks. You can order a mug of “Not Wiser Beer” bottled by a religious bottling company called, “He-brews”, or you can sit back with a “Genesis and Tonic”, which is nothing more than seltzer water in a scripture cup.

On your way out, don’t forget to ask for your complimentary “Breath Of Life Mint”.

The waiters and waitresses in Christville hate serving religious folk on Sunday, because they find them rude and selfish. No one has to preach the devil to servers in Christville. They see him on the faces of hungry religious customers.

Next-door is the “Fishes And Loaves Market”. On sale this week, Holy Rollers Toilet Paper”. On each sheet is the verse, “I will wipe away all your sins”.

Also on sale are scripture tampons, each having the inscription, “We are all as filthy rags in the sight of God”.

They have a bank in Christville called, “The King’s Savings And Loan”, which has a sign that reads, Open a savings account today, because…Jesus saves.

There is a motel in Christville called “The Bethlehem Inn” which states in their slogan, “At Our Motel, You’ll Sleep Like a New Born Baby”.

Closer to the town square, is a toy store called, “Jesus Is Tops”. They’re currently running a sale on Jehovah Gyroscopes.

The “Angels Hardware Store” is featuring a sale on a set of sink fixtures called, “Pharaoh Faucets”.

If you need your car repaired, “The Resurrection Auto Repair Shop” states at their shop, you will have an “Auto Body Experience”.

“The Great Physician Hospice” is conducting a blood drive using the slogan, “There’s Power In The Blood”. After donating a pint of blood, they give you some watered down orange juice and a sugar cookie and then sell the donated blood for a hundred dollars a pint.

In the town of Christville, it’s the same routine day after day and that’s the way they wanted it.

But suddenly…the world stopped! People were missing everywhere! Not in Christville, but everywhere else. People throughout the world, first hundreds, then thousands were missing and no one knew what was happening.

It was suggested by some religious intellectuals, that such an event might be attributed to “The Second Coming Of Christ”. But the people of Christville were not worried. After all, no one was missing there.

Copyright © 2007 Mark Edgemon

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