MOONLIGHTING VAMPIRES
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MOONLIGHTING VAMPIRES
By Mark Edgemon

The ancient curse was lifted, which originated over a thousand years ago and was now completed. Vampires could now live in the sunlight like the humans they used to be, before their disease turned them into the walking dead. But now, what to do with all this new time on their hands. They really didn’t need to sleep; they only used to hide in coffins to protect themselves from the daylight.

The vampires gathered themselves together and formed a union for the purpose of learning to work together to accomplish more by working in large numbers. After looking over thousands of occupations, it was unanimous…they would become lawyers. It seemed like the perfect fit.

Vampires only looked after themselves, never caring who they hurt while achieving their pursuits…so did lawyers. Vampires would drain the life out of their victims, which was anyone they could get their hands on…so did lawyers. Vampires would only pretend to be kind and considerate, until they got what they wanted and then they would move on, leaving a trail of drained bodies along the way…so did lawyers.

The vampires infiltrated the world’s legal institutions until eventually; every other attorney was a vampire. It was difficult to tell them apart from the human barristers.

The vampires no longer had to live off of human blood if they didn’t want to; just destroying the lives of human beings through legal means was satisfying enough.

Purely by accident, one day an Italian chef who was being sued appeared in court with a heavy odor of garlic on his breath. The opposing council’s vampire attorney began to have breathing problems until he passed out on the floor. Finally there was a way for prospective victims to identify the bloodsuckers from the other kind of human legal bloodsuckers. More and more people came to court wearing a clove of garlic on a necklace, until vampires could no longer continue to work in that profession.

During a lengthy union meeting at the vampire’s local #214, it was decided to choose another profession in which they could live off of the misery of others. They decided to become doctors. After all, in this line of work, they would be close to large amounts of blood, in case they wanted a snack, if the urge were to hit them.

But people began to wear shiny crosses when going to the hospital, which caused the vampire physicians to be in agony. No matter which career they chose, there was someone with a mirror or who were carrying a wooden stake, until there were few remaining options. It was a devastating blow to the workers of evil.

The vampire union leaders met one day at an influential restaurant to talk with city officials about starting a political party made up of vampires. When their meal was served, the entrée the chef’s prepared for them was…you guessed it…pounded steak.

Moral: When one is evil and loves to hurt people, every job sucks!

Copyright © 2007 Mark Edgemon

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