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Hello? (A Telephone Answering Message)

 May 2003

Hello. You have reached Amy at 555-1201. Due to the high volume of calls I have been receiving, please listen closely to the following options and choose the one that best describes you or your situation:

Press 1 if you think I'm a veterinarian and want free medical advice.

Press 2 if you know I'm involved in cat rescue, but want to save money and have me give you free, untrained medical advice anyway.

Press 3 if you make $200,000 a year, but still want me to pay to spay the "stray" in your yard.

Press 4 if you have a 10-year-old cat and your 15-year-old son has suddenly become allergic and you need to find the cat a new home right away.

Press 5 if you have three cats, just had a baby, and want to get rid of your cats because you are the only person in the world to have a baby and cats at the same time.

Press 6 if your cat is sick and needs a vet but you need the money for your vacation.

Press 7 if you just got a brand new kitten and your old cat is having problems adjusting, so you want to get rid of the old one right away.

Press 8 if your little kitten has grown up and is no longer small and cute and you want to trade it in for a new model.

Press 9 if you are elderly and want to adopt a cute kitten that is not active and is going to outlive you.

Press 10 if your relative has died and you don't want to care for their elderly cat because it doesn't fit your lifestyle.

Press 11 if you are moving today and need to immediately place your 15-pound, 8-year-old cat.

Press 12 if you want me to come to your home today and pick up the cat you no longer want.

Press 13 if you have been feeding and caring for a "stray" for the last three years, are moving, and suddenly determine it's not your cat.

Press 14 if you are calling at 6:00 a.m. to make sure you wake me up before I have to go to work so you can drop a cat off on your way to work.

Press 15 to leave us an anonymous, garbled message letting me know you have left a cat in my yard in the middle of January, which is in fact, better than just leaving the cat with no message.

Press 16 if you are going to get angry because I'm not going to take your cat that you have had for fifteen years, because it is not my responsibility.

Press 17 if you are going to threaten to take your 10-year old cat to be euthanized because I won't take it.

Press 18 if you want one of my perfectly behaved, kids and dog friendly, purebred cats that I have an abundance of.

Press 19 if you have already called once and been told I won't help you if you're not willing to help yourself, but thought you would get a different person this time with a different answer.

Press 20 if it is Christmas Eve or Easter morning and you want me to deliver an 8-week old kitten to your house by 6:30 a.m. before your kids wake up.

Press 21 if you have bought your children a duckling, chick, or baby bunny for Easter and it is now Christmas and they are no longer cute.

Press 22 if you want me to take your female cat that has already had 5 litters, but I can't spay her because she is pregnant again, and it is against your religion.

Press 23 if your cat is biting and not using the litter box because it is declawed, but are not willing to accept the responsibility that the cat's behavior is altered because of your nice furniture.

Press 24 if your 2-year old male cat is marking all over your house but you just haven't gotten around to having him neutered.

Press 25 if you previously had an outdoor-only cat and are calling because she is suddenly pregnant.

Press 26 if you didn't listen to the message asking for an evening phone number and you left your work number when I'm also working and you are angry because I didn't call you back.

Press 27 if you need a kitten immediately and cannot wait because today is your daughter's birthday and you forgot when she was born.

Press 28 if your cat's coat doesn't match your new furniture and you need a different color or breed.

Press 29 if your new love doesn't like your cat and you are too stupid to get rid of the new love (who will dump you in the next month anyway), instead of the cat.

Press 30 if you pressed through all these 'presses' and didn't hear enough. This press will connect you to the sounds of tears being shed by me as I hold a discarded old cat while the vet mercifully frees him from the grief of missing his family.


The calf photo on these pages is from Farm Sanctuary with our thanks.

We welcome your comments:

All Creatures Animal Rights Article: justice, peace, love, compassion, ethics, organizations, Bible, God, Lord, Jesus, Christ, Holy Spirit, grass roots, animals, cruelty
free, lifestyle, hunting, fishing, traping, farm, farming, factory, fur, meat, slaughter, cattle, beef, pork, chicken, poultry, hens, battery, debeaking.  Thee is also a similarity to the human aspects of prolife, pro life, pro-life, abortion, capital punishment, and war. (d-4)

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